My big shame: I never had the confidence, to break free of my family. From early on, everyone was ashamed of me. No matter how hard I tried, to be perfect, I was loathed, and hid away, shoulders up, eyes down.

Now, at 40, I live with mom. I buy groceries, I do laundry, I clean and cook. If things need lifting, I lift them, if things need fixing, I fix them. When she leaves things laying around, I clean them up. According to her, and most family members, I should be grateful, because rotten people like me, that can't live normal lives, are a nuisance, a shame and in everybody's way.

So she arrives home, after having been away on a trip for almost 6 weeks. I had done all the laundry, that was laying in mountains, in the bathroom. Two big baskets, a floor covered in blankets etc etc. I had been busy, going up and down the stairs from the apartment to the washing machine in the basement. Early in the morning, too. When she came back, she said: "People will get angry, that you use so much water. You shouldn't wash so often, they will get very upset with you. One wash per week is the maximum in my opinion."

Did she say it was a good thing, that I cleaned it all away, and took over the washing? Yes, but it bothered her, that I succeeded at something, that she "couldn't" do. At present, we have a power struggle over how many times, I am allowed to wash our dirty linen. I say twice a week, and she resents it. I can only do 4 small batches of laundry each time, and with bedlinen, underwear, outerwear, and towels, two people easily create a small mountain of laundry in no time. If they shower and change clothes daily.

In the past, the bedlinen would rarely be washed, with mine being left for months, sweaty and all, and the clothes would be the same, for days because there wasn't much to choose from. I hate that. I hate myself, when I live like that.

My resolve, to take charge of the housework, instead of agreeing to everything she does and says, is going to be a power struggle. I don't care. I hate living like a bum. I hate having no say in my own home. I hate being worthless.

A tidy home, a neat and clean appearance, goes a long way, in making a person feel at least half way decent. The past 6 weeks alone here, taught me that. It made me feel much happier, and realize a lot of things about my life.

The dishes aren't standing in the sink for weeks anymore, either. I got rid of them and wash several times a day, to keep the kitchen decent.

I need to get out of here, but that's another post. She wants me to get a job or join unemployment to pay for her, when pension kicks in. Right now, we both live on the sale of our family home, and her early retirement. Logically, I owe her, and I would gladly pay a million, if I could only LEAVE this place.

Up until my early 30's, I would give most of the money that I earned to mom and dad. They weren't making a lot, and I desperately wanted to get more food and better dishes and just add to the family economy. That was nuts. My sister was wiser. She saved up and traveled abroad, and when at home, she went out with friends and spent money on making herself pretty. I felt so ugly and stupid, that I hid away instead, and had no savings.

This has to stop. One way or the other.