How to leave mom and this bad relationship.

I've been trying to write about that. In reply to the logical question people might be asking: "Why haven't you left?"

I want to leave. Problem One: There are no relatives or friends that I can move in with. Problem Two: There are no jobs to be gotten around here, since this area (and country) is struggling with high unemployment especially among those without an education. I live in Sweden BTW and my native tongue is Danish.

The only thing I am good at, and have made good money off before, is the art of illustration. Local businesses and libraries etc were my clients. My work is usually quite cute and somewhat elegant and humorous. I'm good.

Illustration can be done from home. Buyers use the Internet today, so as long as I have paper, pen and a scanner, I'm off to a good start.

I can be lucky and maybe get a job in a video store, that (I know) doesn't pay enough for people to pay for a place to live, even. Or I can do what I'm good at, and make real money.

So I've been trying to do that for months now, and failing for all sorts of reasons. What the heck was wrong with me? It's scary to KNOW you are good at something, and then be totally unable to do it.

Now WHY am I failing???? That is the big question.

Have you ever played the game called "human knot" or "arm breaker" or "doctor doctor" where everyone is entangled, holding hands and you have to twist and turn to untangle everybody? My life feels like that.

Where do I start? Life with mom often feels like having a metal bucket on my head and someone beating it constantly.

To be able to work in peace, I need to work when she's asleep. I've worked late at night when she was watching TV or a movie in the other room, and I've worked early in the morning, but it's not enough. It's best when she's asleep.

To get up very early in the morning is a good solution, except I'm feeling "hungover" from sugar and so tired, that I fall asleep again, sitting up.

My bad food choices have gone out of control, especially the last 10 years or so. It is self medication and it makes me sleepy, achy, foggy brained and dis-associated with my surroundings. It's my own fault, I know. I have to quit it, like people quit cigarettes.

There's more, but... After spending most of my brain power on trying to please her, finding ways to appease her, wondering what she'd like to eat for dinner, what I need to do or get for her, what I need to say to avoid anger etc... I haven't been thinking clearly. That's a recent thing.

Taking charge is a necessity.

Sticking to my guns, doing the laundry, the dishes and so on, is working so far.

I need to get rid of my sugar addictions etc, and I need to create stability in my daily routines to do that. Right now, I still follow her erratic day patterns and try to accommodate, and that does NOT work for me.

Epitaph - a note on love and wisdom

Someone I fell in love with said to me, a while back, that unless I could let go of my mother, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in. Including him. Back then, I was so blinded to what my situation really was, that I didn't understand the wisdom and depth of what he was saying. Today, I see it. :oops: