It's been a while since I posted here. Something happened, and I didn't know what to think or what to say. My anger turned to confusion. Was I wrong?

No, I wasn't wrong. So, I'm back. Not so much to vent, in this post. More to ponder a bit.

What happened was, that I was invited to the local gym by my mom. It wasn't quite that straightforward, but I ended up becoming a member. That's what made me feel guilty. She was being nice. I later realized, that she had to pay a lot less in entry fees if she got someone else to go. Bottom line, she didn't mean to be nice and generous, she meant to save money and it backfired.

Exercise is said to be great, if you need to get rid of stress, frustations and even let go of depression. I've felt a lot of bitterness, anger and sorrow, lately. Sorrow, because I started to mourn that I'd never have the mother, that I longed for. I gave up on the dream. She will never change. The bitterness and anger is very intense, sometimes. It is not unusual, that I need to get up and walk out of the TV room in the evening. Just for a while. Pretend to get something in my bedroom, or go to the bathroom. I need time out. Emotions are seething. My back muscles are tense.

Part of me is waking up, I guess. Screaming.

A long time ago, around 1998, I met a man who helped people with their aching backs, sore necks, and other ailments, and snapped them back into place. He was also interested in new age stuff. He asked if he could do a test on me. The others on the workplace said "go for it". It was a simple thing, you may have tried yourself:

He said: "Stand up straight, raise both your arms out to the side. I will try to push your arm down, and you will try to resist me." So I did. That went okay. Then he said "Now think about your dad" and again, he tried to push my arm down, and my resistance was lower. Then he said "Think about your mom" and he tried to push my arm down. My arm went down like soggy spaghetti.

Back then, I was dumbfounded. I questioned the test, because it had to be wrong! It was my dad, I had issues with, not mom, I said. He shook his wise old head and said, that the test was right.

I know it's human, but it's a little scary, to see how blind I was.

Living here, in this new place, where we are in an apartment and there are about 7 neighbours, I wonder what they think of us. When we moved in, I figured that the others probably didn't have any idea who we were, or what we were like. They'd just know if we were polite or rude to them.

Recently, it dawned on me, that I've underestimated them. Human beings are much more intuitive, in general, than I probably give them credit for. They see more than I think they see.

Here I am, pretending things are okay, and thinking that the life behind closed doors is a mystery. All the while, it's obvious to them, that an old woman like me, living with an even older mom, is not a good thing. Even more so, when the daughter goes around looking sad, shy, scared and has her shoulders up around her ears, and the mom is grumpy and sulking. Even though mom is polite, it still shows. We aren't fooling anyone at all!

Okay...

I've learned that sticking to schedule, even when it feels stupid, is important. It keeps me in control. So I have to do it MORE, not less.

I better stop here.

I will go read everyone's blogs here, when I get home. I have to get ready and go do a bunch of stuff, before I can get to the computer again.