Listening with delight to Nickleback feat. Santana "Into the Night"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yb0zK_E2Oc
In other news....
Life is changed forever, now that I see things through different "glasses". As the truth dawns on me on one problem, it has a domino effect, and other things start to make sense too.
I hurts!
Like a sinking ship with new holes revealed every day.
Mom and me are linked in a dance that is so negative, that it shocks me. Over and over. I said it before, but the more I see, the more it rattles me. It's not even any use to ask "how" and "why". It started when I was born, got worse very fast and has never gotten any better. She has her reasons, and none of them are any good.
[brief interruption: mom walked in - I scurried - alone again now - geez - *bows head in embarrassment*]
She's winning, right now. We're getting back to square one. But it's only on the surface. I will win back the lost territory. Or, in other words: The dishes piling up again, the vacuuming in my room still not done, the monday laundry didn't happen and I'm trying to stay calm and create a masterpiece (writing and art) that will knock people's socks off. Plus I didn't go to the gym again, partly scared to go, partly really wanting to.
It's an uphill thing. I thought it would be simple. "Do this". Then it turned out, that we have all sorts of little "games" that she knows about and I didn't notice before. Things she does, says, buttons she pushes, that makes me fall flat on my face. Then, I start fidgeting about, all nervy, fail at what I wanted to do, blame myself, and wonder why I'm such a failiure.
Well... as more and more of her games become obvious to me, I get more and more immune to them. It becomes easier to get back to my plan, to get things done the way I want to. Basically, to take back the power and stop living in fear, self blame, self hate, and worry.
End of vent.
May you all have a great day, with happiness and good news and all good things!
xxx
subville
Hiya
)
Reading that, it's all so familiar. The feelings not the events. Can I suggest something? (I will anyway
Try not to slip into the 'utterly hating her' feeling. In the end it can be far more painful. The guilt can be overwhelming, I think it's part of the lop-sided emotions that we are hot-housed in. I didn't say that very well, hope you get the gist.
When my mum was dying I found it very difficult to cope with the guilt and other difficult feelings.
Once you're out it will be easier to live without her negative emotions, but please be prepared for it taking a while.
Many hugs xxxxx